That Elusive Honesty

I have a confession to make. Yesterday I wrote about experiencing serenity without having to know exactly what was going on. Well it turns out part of my not knowing was a result of my unwillingness to look in the mirror.

In fact, I left out part of the story as I wrote yesterday. That day when I felt like raging, when I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me, before that all happened I had been on the phone with my therapist, and I had determined to come and disclose to my wife that I had sought out pornographic content. That’s our bottom line. If I seek it out I’m suppose to disclose to her and to my sponsor within 24 hours. Well, honesty was already eluding me because, in fact, I had sought something out a few days prior and not disclosed to either of them.

In my twisted addict brain, however, I could make this disclosure, this one that DID fall under the 24 hr disclosure commitment, and that would magically take care of all previously unmade disclosures. Sound magical? Sound problematic?

Yes, this is how my brain works, and this is how I struggle with honesty. Why didn’t I disclose that day after coming inside with the intention to do so? I also struggle with control. My anger management issues were not part of my disclosure plan, and when those cropped up my control issues kicked in and I lost my willingness to disclose because I didn’t want my wife making a 1 to 1 correlation between my acting out and my anger control issues. #AddictLife

Thankfully my wife brought up her concerns yesterday and asked me if there was anything I needed to tell her. Thankfully, and perhaps because of the serenity of accepting without knowing, I was willing to come clean. It wasn’t fun, and it wasn’t easy, but this morning it feels a lot better than living in the lies for another day.

She’s worried, she doesn’t feel safe, and I needed to hear that from her. She wants to see a change. I don’t have to know how that’s gonna happen, but I have a few ideas of what to do, and it doesn’t involve me playing god and living in denial.

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