Sigh…almost made it to a year this time. Almost. Staring over is one of the most humbling experiences I know. So difficult to tell the ones I love most that I hurt them again. I don’t want to. Want to run and hide, minimize, justify why this isn’t a relapse. Don’t want to tell my sponsor, my program brothers, my bishop. But I know that doesn’t work. If I want to be in recovery, I don’t get to set the terms.
So here I am again, breaking my wife’s heart again. Reminded, again, of my powerlessness over lust. My life long nemesis. My cruel task master.
Please, whoever you are reading this, stop and say a prayer for me and my family. Pray for this love cripple, please – and thank you. I pray for you too. I believe in the power of prayer.
I know God is doing things for me that I can’t do for myself. I saw his hand today on a difficult day for me. Saw it places I didn’t expect. He never goes anywhere, but I am so often so slow to see Him, and so quick to turn away. I haven’t been connecting enough lately, with God; through others, through prayer, through surrender of my will. And it caught up with me, the situation came and I was vulnerable; in too much denial about my condition, and reminded one more painful time of it. Someone please remind me again that I don’t need to do any more research to prove lust’s worthlessness.
A recovery buddy told me about a song by Macklemore called “starting over.” I like its message. If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over. Recovery isn’t always what I want, but it’s always what I need.